Lonely is not the scariest, not knowing my own self is the worst nightmare.
It is getting harder when it comes to knowing myself, especially for someone like me, using layers to protect the most fragile areas of my psyche. Somehow the carefree/sexual side of me had been proven popular and apparently, a number of close friends (Cojointed or YD and another very close friend), possibly seen this popular side as my only personality.
As our friendship getting closer and our circle expands, supposingly, this would be easier to open up a new level and perhaps to expose the more serious side of me, and perhaps, they can help solving my "layering" problem.
Last week was pretty bad, the situations were solved, but it still feeling bitter. My best friend is away at the moment so I am much relying on Cojointed , YD and the very close friend to give me a hand. But the problem is I never get to spend any time with them alone, there's always someone who will come-along, or someone who's already there. And this someone might just be someone i don't mind, but I don't feel safe enough to say so much about.
I can't help to wonder, this friendship was not expanding, in fact dissolving, just like the men whom sees the more serious sides of me and ran away. Cojointed, YD and the very close friend are just moving into their own direction and be the person that they are proud of, maybe my work helping them thru the dark time had been completed, I was released by default.
I had a pretty bad week, but not as bad as feeling distanced from your friends.
This post I titled "Lonely is not the scariest, not knowing my own self is the worst nightmare". Is the fact that I want to ask myself, although this distance between me and my friends are drifting large, but am I part of the problem? My friends do not realise the existance of the problem, they are smart people but they don't know there might be time that a person should "un-smart" and listen. And having new friends entering the circle, doesn't help neither, my voice never sounds..... They are real but how much I allow them to affect me must be the scariest.
I care for my friends and that's why the drifting hurts the most. I am hoping this drift can give me a clue about what went wrong in my personality and to learn what made the fragile part of my personality so fragile.
To my friends: Wish me luck.
